It’s morning and you roll over and gaze into the closed eyes of the one you share your comfy dream-room with… then what? If it’s a weekday there’s no time to dilly dally! You gently plant a soft kiss somewhere on their face and jump out of bed; scoff down six Weet-Bix with a banana; have a shower; get dressed; and dash off to catch the next electric sardine-tin on tracks into the throbbing city to continue playing your ‘part in society’ (brrrrraiiiiinnnnssss….. stumble stumble).
But then once every five or six days a weekend rolls round and reduces your reliance on regular routine – unless of course, you’re an artist or musician in which case you’re week rolls around every five or six days. In any case, when the weekend arrives this question is begged: How am I going to spice things up enough that I won’t mind another five days of repetitivity? [Yes, a new word for the English language. Thankyou.]
May I present to you [insert long-winded fanfare] Eggs Royale.
Ingredients (priced items indicate foodstuffs I would need to make a special trip down the street for):
- a couple of large fresh croissants from your local french bakery – $3 – 5;
- vinegar – white or balsamic (for taste);
- tomatoes;
- a big avocado – $2 – 4;
- cheese – either mozzarella or gouda;
- baby spinach leaves;
- ham or bacon;
- eggs;
- smoked salmon – $6 – 8;
- mayonnaise or hollandaise; and
- coffee beans + an espresso machine.
Method:
For starters, get your best regal dressing gown on. If you only own one gown let your breakfast buddy wear it and you can cook naked.
With a bread knife cut open the croissants and spread the flat halves open like the legs of a virgin on his or her wedding night. Put the buttery pastries under a low to medium grill to soften. Get a small pot of water to boil – ready to poach the eggs. Set aside some generous amounts of sliced tomatoes and cheese.
When the croissants begin to soften – like a prisoner in your dungeon after a month of torture – add a layer of cheese and put back under grill. Remove when melted, add layer of ham and return to grill. After a minute or two of passionately embracing your loved one in the face: remove, add layer of sliced tomatoes and return to grill. The last step in preparing the warm, melty fillings is adding some smoked salmon and returning to the grill for a final blast of heat. This in-and-out-and-in-and-out-and-in-and-out methodology, perhaps reminiscent of the previous night’s activities , ensures each layer is treated individually! Be careful not to leave them under the grill for too long – or under a high heat. Burning will ruin the regality of the meal – only the beggars in the town square would eat your spoils.
Get your gorgeous (somewhat) significant other, or one night stand – whatever the case may be – to grind some coffee beans, froth some milk and make some delicious coffee while you finish the meal… I’ll have a short black, thanks.
While they make the coffee you can begin the egg poaching process – don’t run for your rifle, I’m not talking about pheasants. Get ready to relocate your cooked eggs – not your potentially, recently fertilised ones – to the layered croissants: switch off your grill and leave the croissants there for a moment.
As the water in your pot boils add a bottle cap-full or two of vinegar. Stir the water around to create a gentle whirlpool. Now quickly crack the first egg and pour it into the water as close as you can get it – dont drop it from on high or the egg-white will disperse! If you like runny yolkes, you wont need to poach for long.
Pull the warm croissants out and place them on the plates. At this point you could place some bacon rashers – depending on how royal flush your wallet is. Sprinkle the baby spinach leaves over the croissants and plate; and spoon some avocado onto the spinach. You’ll need an egg flip or spatula-esque device to rescue the poached egg from the clutches of the vinegarred water. Allow excess water to drain and place the egg gently on the bed of baby spinach and avocado. I usually leave the eggs in for about 60 – 90 seconds. I poach two eggs per serve, one for each half of the croissant. I then spoon a little mayo on last.
Take the two plates to your balcony and have your queen or courtesan follow with cutlery and coffee. You may use your fork and knighf to enjoy this decadent feast – or perhaps you will use your hands to take a big bite. Either way chew slowly and savour each flavour as it melts on your tongue and slides down your throat.
Note: before and after this meal, I recommend sex, a cigarette and more coffee.
~
Each bite of this meal sends complexic tasty-mails to your thoughtbox and I have found myself incapable of speech. Saying anything more than “oh my god” and “nom nom nom” becomes a real problem. Suffice to say, this meal makes you feel like a God or Goddess; King or Queen… and remains fairly gentle on your funds. Considering you could take your friend from the coital realm to a cafe and spend anywhere between $14 – 20 on a meal with coffee – per person! Eggs Royale saves you money and affords you the opportunity to eat an awesome breakfast – in the Emporer’s New Clothes, as it were.
In summation: if you come home with me, I make sure your breakfast is awesome.
5 ‘mmmmms’ out of 5 ‘mmmmms’
Tasty or not so? 